“A bunch of IF/THEN statements”

you can use a live USB - you run linux off a USB Thumbdrive as a test. Ubuntu would be a good place to start: https://ubuntu.com/tutorials/create-a-usb-stick-on-windows#1-overview

There’s a big ol scary warning before entering the installer and before any changes are made to your HDD/SSD, it would take a lot of mistakes in a row to somehow erase Windows by accident while using the Live USB.

Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a God, you say YES!

you dropped this: \

sudo chown user:user -R / will get me to reinstall.