cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/30568522
I’ve heard several stories about couples that suddenly stop having sex, start snapping at each other for stupid bs, your girlfriend who was so sweet and supporting becomes her mother, a raging, yelling psychopath, looking for excuses to be passive aggressive, inviting her friends back home when all you want to do is rest after your workday, your boyfriend, so passionate about you is suddenly cold towards you and wants to be left alone. Before having a child you were inseparable, now it’s like you hate each other and rant about your loved one with your friends…
I couldn’t survive such a radical personality change.
Does this phase eventually runs its course?
How do you find the mental fortitude to ignore the stupid bs your partner does or says?
How would you describe love to your partner a year after having a baby?
Is there any way to know if you and your partner are going to make it and remain a couple after having a child?
We’re almost to our daughter’s 9th month of life. We’re both overtired and feeling overworked, with precious little of the time we used to spend on hobbies or couple-time. That said, while there’s been a shift towards an expectation culture in the house (vs an ask culture) we haven’t had the sort of challenges listed in that first paragraph.
Some things probably working for us:
We’ve been together for over a decade and in our home for 9 years
Our communication style is productive even during arguments (“I feel” statements are much more positive than “you” statements)
We’re majority wfh so we have the capacity to buffer each others’ needs as parents throughout the day, rather than leaving everything to one person or having additional financial stresses with childcare
Some things definitely working for us:
Calling each other out for awesome parenting, because very few others will and it’s amazing to feel that validation
Proactively taking something off of each other’s plates, whether that’s cleaning or laundry, dishes or bottles, whatever task is getting done is one that doesn’t have to be done later
Knowing about spoon theory and being sensitive to how much bandwidth each other has left. It’s way harder to recharge from past depleted, so being flexible and recognizing when I or my partner are reaching that point and stepping in or voicing a need for support goes a long way for both of us
I mean, we’re both sleep deprived so I’m sure there’s stupid coming out of my mouth too. I think it’s much healthier to laugh or work to improve the condition causing stress than it is to feed a negative cycle. If either of us are escalating we missed a chance to bolster each other.
Gratitude. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a partner who puts in the effort and has put in the effort to help build the communication style that’s worked so well for us.
It really helps to have a relationship built on respect, and knowing enough about yourselves to approach challenges constructively. Build a good foundation with each other, learn to communicate positively, and do your best.