I stopped doing performative femininity gradually about 18 years ago … I stopped using makeup, wearing clothes that showed off my body, uncomfortable shoes, cut my hair short.
It was like putting on an invisibility cloak. It’s been a long time since a man told me I should smile more, and outside of Asia I don’t get men hitting on me, offering me drinks, etc.
With less of the expected gender signifiers, I don’t think I look more ugly, I’m just not signalling anything to men.
The flipside is that in winter, when I’ve got layers on, some women have thought I’m a man when I go to the toilet. Which is fucking stupid, but nudges me closer to an Enby identity, which feels right much of the time these days.
I’m not sure but over the past 18 years the dynamic has changed in general. Even if you were to doll up, most men wouldn’t say anything, since now everybody has a camera in their pocket amd a social media account. So the threat of getting your life ruined over a miss-guided approach is real for men.
How often is a misguided approach really ruining men’s lives though? I’m kinda struggling to imagine an approach to giving a compliment or asking someone out that can be polite, respectful, and well-intended, but still go so off the rails as to wind up on social media and ruin a guy’s life
It isn’t a very realistic scenario - you are completely correct.
Instead what is happening is that sometime around 2005, women complaining about men hitting on them online reached critical mass. The modal woman who might come across these complaints online would agree in solidarity, or else at least not disagree, as to not undermine her lived experience. Hence, the message being spread consistently online was that all women hate being approached at all times, and you are a bad person if you do it.
This message then spread to teens and young men on the internet - many of them trying to find their footing in the dating world, and seeking advice on the internet that they might be too nervous to ask for in real life.
And at the same time, social anxiety has been steadily increasing among young people due to decreased human connection, driven by smartphone use. Tell a random 20 year old to go to their local park and strike up a conversation with a stranger for no reason except that they are at the same park, and they’ll look at you like you just told them to assassinate the prime minister of Czechoslovakia - not only are they sure it is a bad idea, but they are pretty sure it is impossible, since Czechoslovakia hasnt been a country for quite some time now.
So these factors combine. They believe that even approaching a woman already makes them a bad person. Then layer on top social anxiety that makes talking to strangers already horrifying. And the brain comes up with a scenario that justifies the fear: You are a bad person if you approach a woman - you’re a bad person just for thinking about it - so if you actually did such a fucked up thing, it would definitely get recorded and posted online. Everyone would know what a fucked up person you are, you’d probably get MeToo’d, and sent to jail for sexual assault. Better never talk to anyone, just to be safe.
“life ruined”? Normal flirting is sometimes unwelcome but should not be offensive. Someone would have to be acting very much the fool to get blowback from a “misguided approach”.
I stopped doing performative femininity gradually about 18 years ago … I stopped using makeup, wearing clothes that showed off my body, uncomfortable shoes, cut my hair short.
It was like putting on an invisibility cloak. It’s been a long time since a man told me I should smile more, and outside of Asia I don’t get men hitting on me, offering me drinks, etc.
With less of the expected gender signifiers, I don’t think I look more ugly, I’m just not signalling anything to men.
The flipside is that in winter, when I’ve got layers on, some women have thought I’m a man when I go to the toilet. Which is fucking stupid, but nudges me closer to an Enby identity, which feels right much of the time these days.
I’m not sure but over the past 18 years the dynamic has changed in general. Even if you were to doll up, most men wouldn’t say anything, since now everybody has a camera in their pocket amd a social media account. So the threat of getting your life ruined over a miss-guided approach is real for men.
It really hasn’t changed much at all. Men still approach women they find attractive in a variety of ways.
/looks sideways in mild autism
uhhhhhhhhh that’s never seemed like a great idea for a variety of reasons 😅
How often is a misguided approach really ruining men’s lives though? I’m kinda struggling to imagine an approach to giving a compliment or asking someone out that can be polite, respectful, and well-intended, but still go so off the rails as to wind up on social media and ruin a guy’s life
It isn’t a very realistic scenario - you are completely correct.
Instead what is happening is that sometime around 2005, women complaining about men hitting on them online reached critical mass. The modal woman who might come across these complaints online would agree in solidarity, or else at least not disagree, as to not undermine her lived experience. Hence, the message being spread consistently online was that all women hate being approached at all times, and you are a bad person if you do it.
This message then spread to teens and young men on the internet - many of them trying to find their footing in the dating world, and seeking advice on the internet that they might be too nervous to ask for in real life.
And at the same time, social anxiety has been steadily increasing among young people due to decreased human connection, driven by smartphone use. Tell a random 20 year old to go to their local park and strike up a conversation with a stranger for no reason except that they are at the same park, and they’ll look at you like you just told them to assassinate the prime minister of Czechoslovakia - not only are they sure it is a bad idea, but they are pretty sure it is impossible, since Czechoslovakia hasnt been a country for quite some time now.
So these factors combine. They believe that even approaching a woman already makes them a bad person. Then layer on top social anxiety that makes talking to strangers already horrifying. And the brain comes up with a scenario that justifies the fear: You are a bad person if you approach a woman - you’re a bad person just for thinking about it - so if you actually did such a fucked up thing, it would definitely get recorded and posted online. Everyone would know what a fucked up person you are, you’d probably get MeToo’d, and sent to jail for sexual assault. Better never talk to anyone, just to be safe.
I would say that’s true, except for the idiots with no self awareness or conception of consequences. Those guys will always be a problem
“life ruined”? Normal flirting is sometimes unwelcome but should not be offensive. Someone would have to be acting very much the fool to get blowback from a “misguided approach”.